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Thanksgiving Dinner Aftermath!

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Thanksgiving dinner is over and while I’d love to think that it went well for all of you, I know that’s not everybody’s reality. Maybe you had to deal with a problematic, cranky, or divisive relative—the kind that leaves you resolving, “NEVER AGAIN!” Or, perhaps you had some disappointing “no shows” despite the fact that they RSVP’d for the dinner and you prepared food accordingly. Now brace yourself because what I’m about to tell you may not be what you want to hear.

  • First, decide that you are going to forgive them… yes, just decide. You don’t have to “feel” like it.  Simply decide as an act of obedience to God who commands us to forgive (release any desire for payback) all offenses (Mark 11:26). Feelings follow actions; you will feel better knowing you have pleased the Lord.

 

  • Next, ask God IF or WHEN you should discuss the situation with the problem person. If you decide to confront, get the facts first by asking non-accusatory questions that seek to understand. Example:  “Was something going on with you on Thanksgiving that we need to talk about?” “We missed you on Thanksgiving. I figured something came up since you had indicated you were coming. Is everything all right?” (DO NOT ADD… “If you had any class you would have called!!” (lol); some people have simply not been taught social etiquette.  Give ‘em mercy…)

 

  • Finally, ask yourself what character trait God is trying to work out or develop in YOU through this situation (patience, flexibility, etc.).  Every “situation” has a purpose for those of us who love God (Romans 8:28). Don’t let your frustration cause you to miss it!

 

5 Ways to Keep Family Conflict from Driving You Crazy

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After this past holiday season and an inordinate level of tension, I did some soul searching and drew a few conclusions about how to keep  family conflict from driving me crazy. Here’re five things BIG FAMILY GATHERING_outdoor-party imageI’m committed to doing going forward. I welcome you to join me:

#1: If you are a Christian (not just in word), lower your expectations. Why expect people with an ungodly,  worldly viewpoint to behave according to the Bible? Your job? Nonstop intercession (“pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion” (Ephesians 6:18))– as well as a little introspection to see where you could exercise more wisdom.

#2: Guard your heart by putting on the WHOLE ARMOR of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) each time you plan to get together and in between time also–so that you will be able to “stand firm against all strategies of the devil”. Don’t let negativity seep into your spirit and impact your attitude and general demeanor.

#3: Limit (not necessarily “eliminate”) your exposure to the negative folks who instigate family conflict.  Don’t buy into what they say about others. Draw you own conclusions about people–and give them space to be human. Remember that the Lord requires us to “love mercy” (Micah 6:8), so let’s extend it freely.

#4: Develop nurturing friendships with folks outside your family circle so that they can be a sounding board and a refuge (yes, God is our ultimate refuge) for when you need a little emotional support.

#5:  Don’t tell a family member ANYTHING in “confidence” about another family member. In the midst of a heated discussion, your confidante will likely reveal the info and its source (that will be you!) to strengthen their argument. Most people don’t have the wisdom or spiritual maturity to be that discreet during an argument so don’t put them in a position to fail.

Commit to these steps and you’ll have a strong likelihood of staying sane during the next inevitable family conflict.

The Physical Rewards of Forgiving

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GIVING-TO-OTHERS-WHAT-GOD-GIVES-TO-METhe act of forgiveness can literally take a load off your chest. So says Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project. In his bestselling book, Forgive for Good, A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, he reports that several research studies found that just the mere idea of forgiving someone allowed some people to feel better. On the other hand, if the participants in the study imagined themselves as unforgiving, they had negative reactions, such as high blood pressure. Throughout the book, he explains that people who are more forgiving report fewer symptoms of stress and health problems. Failure to forgive may be more significant than hostility as a risk factor for heart disease.

We can go a long way in promoting our general health just by choosing to forgive. Unforgiving people keep themselves in a constant state of tension by thinking often about the situation and people involved in a transgression. Such chronic tension can lead to depression and hopelessness. I know because I’ve seen it manifest in my family and several close acquaintances. Their bitterness and resentment have impacted every corner of their lives.

Why allow offenders to rent free space in our heads and control the quality of our lives by focusing on them? We can choose to avoid the stress and tension associated with reliving the hurtful situation—when we choose to forgive. Decide to disconnect that ball and chain today. Don’t worry about letting the perpetrator off the hook; you will only be disconnecting YOURSELF from the hook. You can do this.  LEARN FROM THE BURN, BUT FORGIVE TO LIVE.

Offended? Pray This Way…

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Father, I am offended and hurt by X’s behavior toward me. I realize that each time I rehearse the situation, it prevents me from experiencing Your peace. I know that in this life, offenses will come— intentionally or unintentionally. Help me to remember that all things work together for my good because I love You and I am called according to Your purpose (Romans 8:28). You could have prevented this offense, but You have allowed it to come into my life for a specific purpose. Please do not let me miss the spiritual and emotional growth, the improved relational skills, or any other benefit that will result from my handling this situation Your way.

Your Word says that those who are merciful are blessed and will obtain mercy (Matthew 5:7). Father, give me a merciful heart toward X. Help me to extend to him the same mercy that You so faithfully extend to me when I violate Your commands.

Proverbs 19:11 reminds me that wisdom gives me patience and that it is to my glory to overlook an offense. Father, I do not want to get stuck in this offense for it is just a trap of the evil one to set me back spiritually and emotionally.

Give me the wisdom to determine when to overlook an offense versus when to confront it. If a godly confrontation is indeed Your will in this situation, then give me the courage to go privately to X and tell him his fault (Matthew 18:15). I pray that I will use the right words—Your words—to express my true feelings and bring closure in a way that honors You. I know that Your words, spoken through me, will not fall to the ground, but will succeed in accomplishing Your purpose (Isaiah 55:11).

Father, as much as it depends on me and as Your grace prevails, I will make every effort to live peaceably with everybody (Romans  12:18). Therefore, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I let go of this offense now. In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

 

 

A Prayer for When You Have Been FINANCIALLY DISADVANTAGED or RIPPED OFF

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Father, I have been financially disadvantaged in my dealings with X. By Your grace, I lay down my anger, frustration, disappointment, and unforgiveness. Because You guard all that is mine (Psalm 16:5), this outcome did not catch You by surprise. Help me put the loss in perspective and to remember that You can restore exceedingly and abundantly above all that I can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

Father, I need Your wisdom for how to proceed in resolving this matter—through legal channels or by simply forgiving the debt. I do not want to enable X to continue in her evil, dysfunctional,  or irresponsible ways, but neither do I want to destroy her emotionally, financially, or otherwise. Show me where I may have failed to communicate or formally document my expectations. Help me to see if I set X up for failure with terms or conditions that were too vague, too onerous, or even too lenient.

O Lord, You know the current state of X’s finances and whether she has the ability to repay me now or in the future. If she has dealt with me deceitfully, convict her of her sin. Your Word declares that bread gained by deceit is sweet, but afterward the deceiver’s mouth will be full of gravel (Proverbs 20:17). I pray that X will find no satisfaction, profit, or peace in the fruit of her deception.

Give her the courage to come forward and resolve this issue in a manner that honors You. Let her not be named among the wicked who refuse to pay back what they owe (Psalm 37:21). Rather, help her to become an upright person guided by integrity (Proverbs 11:3).

Father, thank You that You have made me a lender and not a bor rower. I acknowledge that You own everything I possess (Psalm 24:1). I want to be a good, discerning  steward of all You have entrusted into my care. Please do not let a root of bitterness spring up in me and stop me from helping others because of this disappointing outcome.

I submit this financial loss to You. I choose to walk in forgiveness and in the freedom-giving truth that You are the avenger of every wrong. In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

“Forgive, Let Go, and Live” ….Coming August 1, 2015

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To “Look Inside” the book , go to Amazon.com, cut and paste this link:   https://goo.gl/dG761w

Here is what’s waiting:

25  Real Stories of  the Tragedy of Revenge and the Triumph of Forgiveness

 6 Questions to Ask Yourself When Contemplating Revenge

 5 Things to Consider Before Restoring a Relationship

 10 Signs That It’s Time to Let Go of a Hurtful Relationship

 12-Step Mini Program for Forgiveness

 5 Rewards of Letting Go of an Offense

 9 Essential Acts When Seeking Forgiveness from Another

 20 Scripture-based Prayers to Release Specific Hurts and Offenses

Overcoming an Impatient Attitude

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“So what’s the bottom line?” Jill wanted to shout at the woman who was giving the support group the long version of her current dilemma. It was getting late and five members were still waiting for their turn to share the issues they had faced during the week. Of course as a trained counselor, Jill knew she had to resist the urge to show her impatience. Sure she was high strung and impatient in general, however, she’d recently had an “aha” moment during a bible study at church. She had finally gotten it: patience is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. It wasn’t something that she could achieve by counting to ten or making a New Year’s resolution; it could only be produced in her by the Spirit of God—with her cooperation. Perhaps you, along with me, share Jill’s challenge in this area.

I’m on a mission to understand and overcome the root cause of my tendency to become impatient with others. I often reminded myself that we are all victims of a fast paced, instant gratification society where we have become accustomed to instant communication (phone, texting, instant messenger), instant food, instant credit, instant news, Hi-speed internet, and a host of other “now” conveniences that cause us to become annoyed at waiting for anything. Clearly this is a self-imposed problem with far reaching consequences since impatience not only affects us physically but emotionally and relationally. What we need is a major shift in our expectations regarding how fast we should move or the pace at which we expect others—including God– to do so.

Impatience affects us emotionally since we feel angry and exasperated when things do not go the way we think they “should”. Jesus warned, “In your patience possess ye your souls” (Luke 21:19 KJV). Bible scholars and psychologist all tell us that our soul is the seat of our emotions. Developing the habit of enduring delays without emotional interference will preserve our joy and keep us at peace. Just try it… for the next 24 hours, refuse to express impatience with any situation.
Impatience hurts our relationships in that it causes us to relate to others in a non-beneficial, non-compassionate manner. Think about how you feel when even a stranger is short-tempered with you. Depending on your spiritual maturity, you either want to retaliate, rebel, or run from his presence. If the impatient person is significant to you and you value his input or perception of you, his impatience can rob you of your confidence and make you feel devalued. Remember this when you are tempted to express your impatience even in the simple form of a deep sigh.
Overcoming impatience begins with an awareness of its presence, a commitment to allow the Holy Spirit to produce patience in you, and a decision to stay in the present moment rather than obsessing about what must happen next or later.

Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life: Avoid Sarcasm–Part 2*

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Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life: Strategies for a Better Outlook on Life (B880)Please Read Part 1 for background info and Strategy #1 on how to avoid sarcasm: Strategies 2-4 appear below:

2) Practice a more direct approach to expressing your displeasure. Posing a simple question designed to gain a better understanding will go a long way. For example, rather than asking “What in the world were you thinking?” try, “What strategy or goal did you have in mind when you made that move?” This latter statement expresses confidence that surely some forethought was applied. God will give you the right words to say if you ask him to do so. “…those who are wise will find a time and a way to do what is right, for there is a time and a way for everything…) (Ecclesiastes 8:5-6 NLT).

3) Consider the implications and consequences of what you are about to say before you say it. Ask yourself, “Will my words imply that the hearer is stupid or has poor judgment? Do they tear down or do they build? “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29 NIV). Make sure every word passes the “benefit” test.

4) Consider how you would feel if someone were to say to you, what you are about to say to another. Let the Golden Rule be your guide!

Prayer

Father, I need wisdom in becoming more sensitive to what I say to others. Teach me how to be more accepting of other people’s shortcomings just as you are accepting of mine. In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

*Adapted from Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life by Deborah Smith Pegues (available April 1, 2014) (Harvest House Publishers)

 

 

Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life: Avoid Sarcasm–Part 1*

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Do you regularly respond to a person or a group’s actions or decisions in a way that is opposite of what you really feel—as evidenced by your tone or body language (smirking, raising eyebrows, cocking your head to the side, or sighing)? Sarcasm can ruin your relationships as its goal is usually to scorn, belittle, insult, or express irritation or disapproval. You can find it in all social interactions–at home, in sports, romantic relationships, and at church to name a few. Consider these examples:

At home: Junior brings in his report card which reflects low grades in all subjects. Dad says, “Way to go, Einstein!” Dad is expressing his frustration by saying the opposite of what he’s really feeling.

Romantic relationship: John buys his wife Sue a pair of very small diamond earrings. Sue, who had hoped for larger gems, says, “Boy, these are really going to blind people!”

How has your sarcastic attitude affected your life? How do you typically respond to your recurring frustrations or irritations with others? Perhaps you have convinced yourself that you are not sarcastic at all, but rather witty or humorous. Perhaps you are not aware that your sarcasm most likely leaves the hearer feeling diminished or devalued. If you want to begin to address this poor communication style, consider these strategies:

1) Admit your motive for being sarcastic. You may be attempting to control other people or to shame them out of behavior that you disapprove. Face it, the only person you can control is yourself. Or, maybe you are trying to display your great intellect by calling attention to the deficiency of another.

Stay tuned for strategies #3-4… in Part II

*Adapted from Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life
by Deborah Smith Pegues (available April 1, 2014)